There Are No Runes For This
by Theatrics-In-My-Blood
Summary: Jalec fic. Jace is heartbroken when he believes Clary has cheated on him, but someone else has been suffering much longer... R&R, I'm new to the fandom!
1. No Longer Easy

Jace couldn't sleep. Tears stung his eyes as he looked up at the darkened cieling, cursing himself. He wouldn't let himself cry, not over her. Even if, and the thought scared him more than anything, he-

No. He did not love her. He couldn't, he barley knew her. All girls, especially mundane ones, were the same. Weak, not to be trusted. She didn't belong, so why couldn't he stop thinking about her? He choked on a sob. Well it doesn't matter what I feel, he thought, she does not feel the same way. Stupid _Jace, you know caring never works. _

He glanced at the runes, still fading, on his arms. This was the life he had chosen, one of certainty and revenge. Love, and Clary, had no place in that world. The sooner she left, the sooner he could be back to normal, the sooner he could forget. For that was what he wanted, and he knew it. Just to forget. Deep down, a little voice was clear in his mind.

_You don't want to love, it said, because you don't think you deserve it. You're useless, broken, ever since you saw dad die. Why would anyone love someone like that..._

There was a soft tap at the door. Jace sat bolt upright, and stayed still. If it was Clary, he'd ignore her. If it was anyone else... Well, they wouldn't be there, not this late at night. Staying frozen, he waited silently, for a clue of who it might be.

"Jace?" It was Alec. His eyebrows went up. What did he want?

"Come in.." He said flatly.

Alec entered almost shyly. His sweater was frayed, his hair rumpled. He looked apologetic as he glanced around, looking for somewhere to sit. Eventually, he perched curled in on himself next to Jace, his head turned towards him.

Jace looked at him questioningly and Alec blushed. "Are you... Okay?"

Now it was Jace's turn to blush "Why wouldn't I be?" he said quickly.

Alec looked at him steadily, and when he spoke there was something in his voice Jace hadn't heard before. He sounded... mature, tender even. "You don't need to pretend with me Jace," he said softly "I heard everything.."

Jace groaned, his head in his hands. Alec wasn't meant to see him like this. Weak. They fought together, lived together, he was supposed to be strong. He felt ashamed. Of himself, of Clary, of everything...

"I wish you hadn't.." he replied. "It wasn't very pretty."

Alec grinned, but his eyes were strangley sad. "It's okay you know. I'm not going to judge you if you got upset over this. I mean, it must have been pretty hard on you."

He felt as though he'd been kicked in the stomach. Of course it was hard! He never, ever, showed he cared, and the one time he did she threw it all bsck in his face. Not that he could tell Alec that.

"It doesn't matter, it's probably for the best." he almost whispered. "I'm fine..."

Alec leaned over and touched his shoulder, forcing his comrade to look into his eyes. "Jace.. I worry about you. It's not good to hide your feelings away, never telling anyone." His voice was pained "You should always tell someone how you feel, or you might regret it."

Jace felt like tearing at his hair. He was new to this, he didn't know what to do, who to trust. This love.. It was scary. He'd never felt anything like it before. This was worse than hunting demons. The demons were inside him.

The silence stretched out, and Jace could feel Alec's comforting hand still there. He made now move to let go, and Jace let him. A question formed in his mind, and he said timidly.

"But how can you know what I'm feeling Alec? And why would I tell you? We are fighters of the body, not hearts. It doesn't concern you."

Alec gazed back. His eyes were very, very sad. His hand slid away from Jace, and he huddled in the dark.

"Yours is not the only heart broken tonignt..." He said quietly.


	2. No Longer Secret

Jace looked at him in confusion... "What do you..?"

Alec shook his head, smiling wryly. "Doesn't matter.."

Jace looked at him, hard. He tried to see him, really see him, like looking through a glamour. He tried to forget everything he knew, and just looked. They stayed like that for a long time.

"Alec," he began uncertainly, "what have I done..?"

Jace could see him shaking. The darkness was tense, charged with electric. What had he done to upset his brother? Had he said something? He could feel himself on the edge of crumbling, after loosing everyone he couldn't bear to lose his best friend too..

"Nothing," Alec murmered. He sounded far away. "you haven't done anything. It was me."

"We're like brothers." He replied. "There's nothing you can't tell me."

Alec choked. Jace watched, in fascinated horror, as tears flowed hot down his cheeks. Alec, usually so collected, was broken, but he didn't know why. Quickly, he wrapped his arms around him, whispering quick and light-hearted words about how this wasn't part of his shadowhunter training. His friend shook still beneath him.

"Alec.." he pleaded "Tell me.."

And in the dark, Jace felt another pair of lips meet his own. The kiss was reluctant and salty with tears, and vulnrable. Jace's eyes widened in shock, and before he had time to do anything Alec moved away and stood up, leaping lightly off the bed. His hands shaking uncontrollably he made for the door. Without even thinking, Jace rushed there first. He stood blocking the way.

"Jace," Alec almost sobbed. He looked wretched. "Please, let me go. I shouldn't have.. I'm sorry.. I-"

"No, I am. I never even..." he coughed "I never even considered you might feel like that. It was stupid of me."

Jace smiled, but it was grim. "You see why I can never be like you? I can't be a warrior, I can't be truly shadowhunter, because of what I am. Mum, dad, they'd tear me apart. And...you..."

His voice cracked and his eyes were shining.

"I was too ashamed to tell you. I thought you would hate me too."

Jace felt tears in his own eyes. The glamour was well and truly gone. This was the true Alec. Was he shocked? He couldn't tell. It was almost as if he had been blind all his life. Now he saw his friend as he never had before, and his heart broke with guilt and shame. His best friend.. Loved him, loved him always, and he had taken it for granted.

Clary. It must have killed him. He owed Alec more than his life now...

"Alec." He began, glad his voice was sure. "You are everything to me. You were there when... No-one else was, and I didn't even know how you felt. I don't know what I feel, but I know about honor. I know I owe you this,"

He took his hands in his own... And kissed him."


	3. No Longer Sure

It was strange, but he felt electric crackle up between them. Everything he and Alec had shared, all the jokes, the pain, the laughs. It was a raindrop in an ocean. This was something else, something dangerous. He felt Alec's lips begin to crush against his own.

It felt desperate, and hungry, and almost hearbreaking. Jace knew, though he didn't know how, that Alec was showing all the pain he had felt by loving him, all the self-loathing, and the grief. He knew he was trying to make the moment last, because he didn't know if it would ever come again. Jace let go of all his fear and kissed him back. He kissed him with all the warmth of their friendship, and the raw pain Clary had caused him. He kiseed him because he had lost a new love, and found an old one.

The world dissolved, and time stood still. They broke apart. Jace realised his hands were wound tightly into Alec's hair, and let go. Alec's arms were around his waist. His eyes were shining, and Jace couldn't tell whether he was happy or sad.

"Thank you.." he breathed. "I think, if you asked us now to go back to being friends, I could bear it."

Jace was still breathing hard, staring at Alec in amazement. Confusion bubbled up inside him. I liked that, he thought in shock, it felt... Right.

"I couldn't ask that of you." he said. "It would not be proper."

Sinking back down on the bed, he looked at Alec with frightened, childlike, eyes. "Is this wrong?" he asked suddenly, his voice shaking. "Are we.. Bad?"

When he answered, it was wearily "I don't know. I don't see how love can ever be bad.."

"And you do? Love me I mean..."

Alec nodded. "More than anything, and for longer than I can remember. I love you Jace."

Jace sat in thought. What did he feel? He had told Alec the kiss was for honor, not love. So why then, did he want more than anything to do it again?

He reached out and traced a thin line down Alec's cheek, and felt him relax. He carried on, trying bitterly to didn't feel evil. It felt pure, more pure than anything he'd ever known. When he spoke, his voice trembled, with confusion and longing.

"But this is wrong! I shouldn't want this. I shouldn't want you. But it's like I can't help it.. I don't know what I feel Alec. I just..."

He trailed off when he felt Alec's hand on his own, pressing it to his cheek. His voice was quiet, and more certain than Jace had ever heard it. "I don't know what you feel Jace, but I know what I feel. I know my heart nearly busts whenever I see you, and how you're always somewhere. And, I know if anyone found out I'd be banished from the Clave. But I know this isn't evil. All I know, or care about, is that I love you, and to me that's worth more than my career."


	4. No Longer Resisting

Jace gasped. To say something like that was sacrilige! The Clave always came fist. Before friends, before family, before even love. Yet Alec would give it all up.. for him.

Why? He wasn't special. Well-trained, yes, but worth caring for? He was detached, he couldn't help it, and whenever someone came into his life he pushed away companionship. He threw himself into the most dangerous fights, the most suicidal missions, because some part of him didn't care whether he lived or died.

"The Clave come first Alec." he said solemnly "They have to. Otherwise, everything would be chaos."

Alec wouldn't look at him. "You can say that. You're not like me. You haven't been part of a society all your life, that would despise you if they knew the truth. I may be a Shadowhunter, but I haven't been part of this world for a long time, how could I be? If anyone found out, I'd be cast out."

"I wouldn't let that happen."

"You wouldn't have a choice," a bitter smile curled his lips "The Law Is Tough, But It Is The Law."

Jace didn't know what to think. Alec was right of course,the Clave disapproved of gay Shadowhunters, even if they didn't cast him out he'd be treated differently. But to keep a secret like that all the time... it had to be torture.

A strange thought came to him. What would happen to him? He wasn't gay, or he hadn't thought he was, and yet there was no denying his heart dissgreed.

"Jace?" Alec's voice broke through his thoughts. "You won't tell anyone about me?"

He shook his head, he wouldn't dare.

"And.." Alec continued, his voice quiet. "What about us..?"

"What about us?" Jace asked.

"I.. I don't know. I've loved you for years. I thought maybe.. I don't know what I thought."

Jace did. He meant what Alec meant to him. Well, he didn't know. Alec had always been a brother and best friend, nothing else. Tonight had changed all that. His kiss had sent lightning through every particle of his being. He wanted, thought he hated himself for it, nothing more than to hold him and never let go. Alec had turned into so much more.. and Jace was confused. Now, he could see the beauty in him, from the softness of his hair to the smooth curve of his back. Did he love him? He knew Alec meant more to him that anyone else, but was it love? It couldn't be. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"Alec." Jace moved so they were facing. "Alec, look at me."

His eyes flickered upwards. Jace saw fear, hope, but mainly shame. It was the shame that hurt most. He's ashamed of loving me, he thought.

"Alec, I don't know what I think. I always thought, well you know, but now I'm not sure. You've changed me, I can't deny that, but this is still wrong. I'm not supposed to like you, you know that." He heard hysteria in his voice. It was like a torrent. Everything was changjng, but a lifetime of training and his own assumptions stood fast. Liking Alec, would uproot his whole world.

Aled moved closer to him; he could hear his breathing. "Don't be scared." He said, his voice raw "Just trust me. For once in your life, don't think about what could happen. This isn't like training, or fighting, or even dying. You have to foget about all that. Please, just trust me."

Jace's voice faltered, but the word felt true. "Okay,"


End file.
